The other side

The last post was the logistics of adoption. Here's the other side. Somedays I think we're crazy. Seriously. We're voluntarily walking into a situation where we will end up with 4 kids ages 5 and under. Who does that?! Somedays I watch my boys play with each other, I see the sweet way they are such good friends and I wonder why we are choosing to add chaos into a situation that is finally seeming peaceful.

BUT... there is another side.

Every mom has this built-in "momma bear" instinct to protect her cubs at any cost. It's almost instantaneous at birth, if not before. I remember being pregnant with A and holding my breath as I walked past an idling car for fear that those poisonous gases would injure my unborn baby's lungs.

So right now I'm kind of in that pregnant stage (thankfully without the morning sickness!). We have four kids. Two little blonde ones that I can see and hear and hug and care for. And two others, probably with jet black hair, that are just as real. They're my babies, too. And that "mother bear" instinct is in full gear.

Yesterday, I spent most of the day longing for my babies. Nearly in tears, missing my kids so much. You see, my other two kids are alive. Right now. In another country somewhere, probably experiencing a whole lot of snow! Are they warm enough? Are they well-fed? Did someone get them shoes that will keep those sweet piggies from freezing in the snow? Will someone take them sledding and teach them how to build a snowman? Are they safe? Do they know they are loved? Do they know that their mommy's coming to get them? Soon?

The sad reality of adoption is that in order for these kids to join our family, they have had to undergo unbelievable loss. I was at a funeral today for a friend who lost his father. He's in his 30s, and I feel like he is so young to have to deal with losing a parent. But my sweet kids had to deal with losing TWO parents already, and they aren't even 5 years old. My heart breaks for them. And yet I'm so far away that I can't do anything to help heal those wounds or comfort their hearts.

So... there's the reality. When you ask how the adoption is going and I say "Fine... we're just waiting," know that waiting is so, so hard. SO hard.

So why do it? Why walk into this situation where we are inviting chaos and hurt to enter our lives? Because isn't that what our sweet God did for us? He left comfort and peace and chose to enter into a world of chaos and hurt, and he did it for ME. He came trekking through this broken world in search of his missing kid, the one that was part of his family but separated by too great of a gap. And when He found me... oh the rejoicing! His precious child that He loved beyond words long before I knew that I even had a Daddy searching for me. He called me His precious daughter and invited me into His family. And He's making my heart more like His and calling me to become more like Him every day.

So we continue going where He's called. We press on when it's hard. And we trust that He is good and that He is in the business of making all things new. He makes beautiful things out of dust. He can redeem even the pain that has already hurt my kids. And He can use the pain of waiting to grow and change my heart. But oh the rejoicing when those kiddos make it home!